Day 57----

Yesterday I spent way too much time reading anti-vaxxers' comments saying they think all states should re-open AND that there's no way they are taking a vaccine whenever one is developed for covid-19. Doubly angry because I know these are the views of our own family members. Finally I tossed my phone aside--then picked it back up--and called bambi's pediatrician and scheduled her three year shots. And they had an opening today. So that's what we did today.

She was so brave--she wore her favorite orange dress, insisted on sitting next to me on the bench, instead of on me. And just clasped her hands tight tight tight and stared straight ahead till the nurse came in.

Masks are mandatory now so she was just sitting there in her flowered scarf turned mask (I tie it above her little ponytail so it doesn't slide down). But when the doctor needed to check her ears and throat and asked her to pull it down for a minute she lost all composure. She clutched it to her mouth and shouted, "I need my mask!!!"

We walked past a lot of our old places and may have seen acquaintances-- shop clerks on nodding terms-- but its so hard to tell behind masks. We all just smiled and nodded. The [lolli]popp-y quickly banishing all emotional need for her mask and I let it slide and steered the stroller well over six feet from everyone to be safe.

Day 56----

I'm at the kitchen table listening to the creak of the kettle, the rain in the airshaft, the murmur of jesse's work call, the neighbor's music--and yet it feels very still. All muffled through my hair, and through my fuzzy brain. I wish I had a really engrossing read. I've felt very secure in my book stock till now and there are still a lot I haven't read but I can see the end and that's unsettling for a mood based reader.

A video was released of a lynching, two months ago. More and more statistics of who exactly are dying from covid-19 come out everyday. This is why I have to swallow my conflict aversion when people around me are racist. As a Christian, who is has a phobia of conflict, I truly think it is more important to speak up against racism inside the church (and outside but, let's be honest, it's mostly inside) than it is to witness to those outside the church. For many reasons, but how are we to ever have any platform to say anything when this festering center is allowed to remain???

Day 55----

An absolutely furious me. Furious about everything and everyone. It wasn't fair. But it also just was. I made jesse coffee, poured myself a cup and didn't bring him one. On purpose. Which kind of backfired because it was so ridiculous that I started laughing at myself. Which is so annoying when you're FURIOUS.

Day 54----

Between books so I took a big stack out on the fire escape with tea and cake while she napped. I didn't settle on anything. It was very windy and the pair of jeans out there drying with me whipped around me.

Later bambi and I walked around the block to the river and back. She saw a single scraggly tree on Market Street-- with leaves on it! "TREE!!!!" she gasped. It was so sad and I was just as astonished and excited.

Day 53----

The chef from the diner down the street was walking up and down the block asking people for a hanger--I was hanging socks on the fire escape to dry and overheard him ask the lady across the street. She didn't have one and he continued on down the block. She glanced up at me and we made eye contact--that New York kind of thing when something random happens. You find one person to share it with then move on. But I called down, "did he say hanger? I think I have one!" She called him back-- he stopped mid mime as he tried to communicate his need to an old man and ran back toward us. I said I'd be right back, ducked inside and found one with a jumpsuit I never wear on it-- it fell to the floor of the closet and I'll probably never find it again-- back out on the fire escape, "You want a wire one, right?" he did. "Do you mind if I throw it down? I don't want to hit you!" he did not. It landed in the carless street and he said, "Thank you! How are you guys??" so now he knows where we live and I'm very ok with that. I'm happy he still remembers us.

Jesse made an elaborate dinner and a cake-- when either of us make elaborate foods it usually means we are at our limit. It buys us alone time... the more elaborate it is, the more time we get. It was very very good.

I couldn't eat much of it though cause of a canker sore. My neck can almost bend normally now though! Jesse rubbed it for ages this morning while we both read and bambi ate nuts and chocolate out of a cup on our bed.

Day 52----

The sun came out finally and we snuck back up to the roof. I'm starting to worry about bambi's vitamin D levels. Jesse and I can go out on the fire escape (if its dry, if she naps), but she can't. We do get a lot of south facing sunlight but still. She hasn't been outside in a month, I think.

Jesse packed a picnic, we brought our books and hers and told her we couldn't leave the blanket once we got up there. We sat on the back roof where there's a tree. It didn't have many leaves yet.

She drank decaf iced coffee and hasn't napped since.

Day 51----

There's been a distinct shift since hitting the fifty day mark--just too much. We had a relatively pleasant rhythm for a few weeks and now we are all mad. And weepy (me). And can't bend our necks (me).

"They managed to be so busy  doing the little they had to do.... even when they took a rest in the afternoon they made it sound like an assignment to be filled in a busy day."
A Start In Life p. 48 by Anita Brookner

I find myself angrily or vindicatedly scribbling "spring 2020, NYC, covid-19 pandemic" in glaringly incongruous passages or eerily applicable ones. Both will do.

I guess I've had trouble taking photos in this mood.