Day 79----
A few days ago a white woman called in a hit on a black birdwatcher in Central Park who asked her to leash her dog, per the park's rules. This woman was a white, New Yorker, liberal, Obama supporter. And yet in an instant she went straight to racism. Saying "An African American man is threatening my life! Send help NOW!" The classic white woman in distress. You know, from all of US history? yeah. And she felt like an ally. Right up till then. Just like me.
A black man was murdered slowly, by a cop, pleading for his life in Minneapolis. The only difference from all the other times was this one was recorded. An eight minute and forty-six second video.
Last night Minneapolis burned in protest. An entire police precinct was taken over. Here in Lower Manhattan seventy-two people were arrested for protesting.
This afternoon bambi and I walked to Foley Sq.--the closer we got, more and more cops appeared from every direction. Prisoner transport busses lined the streets between our apartment and the square. They were preparing for battle. We got about half a block from the actual protest when bambi got too scared. So I took her back towards Columbus Park and tried, so fumblingly, to explain what was happening--that it WAS scary. That it shouldn't be scary. I tried to explain racism, police as the tools of a corrupt government, corrupt government, police, systemic wrongs.
The whole time seeing more and more protestors bravely joining in, walking past police armed for war. Knowing full well, it was all to clear what the polices' intent was... and the contrast of the that slow and steady stream of protestors, armed with masks, hand sanitizer, signs and cameras.
After a long talk, she said, "mama! I won't be scared anymore! Let's go back there. I need to GROWL."
As I'm writing this, the police have begun their attack. And we are fighting back. There are cop cars on fire. They are saying the 88th precinct in Brooklyn has been taken over.
30.5.20
28.5.20
Day 78----
My fingers are sore from all this stitching but I feel nice and smugly resourceful and ridiculously proud of how beautiful it will be. If I ever finish... there are a lot of holes that need to be patched on both sides each.
She's been sleeping in the real bed for three days now and, aside from falling off the first night (didn't even wake up when I lifted her back up)-- that was actually funny. I had just checked on her and was telling jesse to go see how sweet and grown up she looked. He came back to our room and said, "uh our sweet little baby is on the floor..." But aside from that she hasn't even got out of bed at all. She still calls us to come get her! ....harking back to the other day's subject of rebel moms, compliant children thing...
All morning we snuggled on the couch and looked at photos and videos of her as a baby and also baby birds.
I finished reading The Lion, The Witch and The Wardrobe aloud to her. Her first chapter read aloud--I feel a little sheepish that it was by a man. And it has made me realize that chapter books from my childhood are going to be a lot more time consuming to vet for sexism and racism than picture books were. I'm going to need a lot of help with this. Just flipping through books from my past to find the next one to read to her is turning my stomach a bit. And it's not enough to just not have issues. They need to be womanist and anti-racist too.
My fingers are sore from all this stitching but I feel nice and smugly resourceful and ridiculously proud of how beautiful it will be. If I ever finish... there are a lot of holes that need to be patched on both sides each.
She's been sleeping in the real bed for three days now and, aside from falling off the first night (didn't even wake up when I lifted her back up)-- that was actually funny. I had just checked on her and was telling jesse to go see how sweet and grown up she looked. He came back to our room and said, "uh our sweet little baby is on the floor..." But aside from that she hasn't even got out of bed at all. She still calls us to come get her! ....harking back to the other day's subject of rebel moms, compliant children thing...
All morning we snuggled on the couch and looked at photos and videos of her as a baby and also baby birds.
I finished reading The Lion, The Witch and The Wardrobe aloud to her. Her first chapter read aloud--I feel a little sheepish that it was by a man. And it has made me realize that chapter books from my childhood are going to be a lot more time consuming to vet for sexism and racism than picture books were. I'm going to need a lot of help with this. Just flipping through books from my past to find the next one to read to her is turning my stomach a bit. And it's not enough to just not have issues. They need to be womanist and anti-racist too.
27.5.20
Day 77-----
The first day I forgot to write. I was drifting off to sleep, suddenly remembered and gasped awake (it was an extreme reaction). Jesse asked if I'd had a nightmare-- I paused then said yes. Mostly not true but kind of true cause I remembered in that half dream trance and it was unpleasant. He snuggled me up and it was sweet. So I wrote this in the morning. A fraud.
I've been filling my time mending this big hole-y blanket for bambi and I remember why I always start stitching when I'm depressed. It's a good antidote to the inevitable inability to read and write. But it may work both ways...
The first day I forgot to write. I was drifting off to sleep, suddenly remembered and gasped awake (it was an extreme reaction). Jesse asked if I'd had a nightmare-- I paused then said yes. Mostly not true but kind of true cause I remembered in that half dream trance and it was unpleasant. He snuggled me up and it was sweet. So I wrote this in the morning. A fraud.
I've been filling my time mending this big hole-y blanket for bambi and I remember why I always start stitching when I'm depressed. It's a good antidote to the inevitable inability to read and write. But it may work both ways...
26.5.20
Day 76----
I remember hearing about a resident of Wuhan on day seventy-six of his lockdown. It was the first time they were allowed outside at all. I remember sitting at the kitchen table thinking how crazy high the number seventy-six sounded. But we are taking some walks now. Even though today we didn't leave and it was so much nicer. The walks feel like a duty that you should enjoy but don't.
I remember hearing about a resident of Wuhan on day seventy-six of his lockdown. It was the first time they were allowed outside at all. I remember sitting at the kitchen table thinking how crazy high the number seventy-six sounded. But we are taking some walks now. Even though today we didn't leave and it was so much nicer. The walks feel like a duty that you should enjoy but don't.
25.5.20
Day 75----
Its been harder to write lately. My brain feels blank. I think it's the sudden seeing of other humans again. Even for the briefest bit. And also, seventy-five days of this is reason enough.
We got bambi a big kid bed. She misses her crib. I think we may have made a mistake. Even though her head and feet were banging against the ends of her mini crib.
Its been harder to write lately. My brain feels blank. I think it's the sudden seeing of other humans again. Even for the briefest bit. And also, seventy-five days of this is reason enough.
We got bambi a big kid bed. She misses her crib. I think we may have made a mistake. Even though her head and feet were banging against the ends of her mini crib.
24.5.20
Day 74----
We skipped church to go on a distanced walk with uncle charlie today. He rode across the bridge on a citibike and was completely winded--he's still been going to work (healthcare) but even he hasn't exercised since this started because his hospital is a few blocks from his apartment. Plus riding up and down the Brooklyn Bridge on those heavy bikes with a mask....! Our legs were aching walking just over two miles to and from Battery Park. But the grass is finally open there!
23.5.20
Day 73----
It rained dark, loud and heavy all morning. And bambi snuggled on jesse's lap on the new chair in a pool of day time lamplight listening to music. It was very sweet as long as you didn't listen to her dark and morbid rationals for the songs she so cooly asked for: "I want scary music, dada!" "can I hear the one with blood?" "Why her eyes so creepy? I like it." Jesse kept looking up making horrified eye contact with me as I sat on the couch hiding my laughter behind my book. Its really not that weird developmentally, plus the whole global pandemic...
On that note, we dropped under 100 deaths in the last 24 hours.
I'm having so much trouble with even online interactions. Forgetting to reply, remembering, panicking, then forgetting again.
It rained dark, loud and heavy all morning. And bambi snuggled on jesse's lap on the new chair in a pool of day time lamplight listening to music. It was very sweet as long as you didn't listen to her dark and morbid rationals for the songs she so cooly asked for: "I want scary music, dada!" "can I hear the one with blood?" "Why her eyes so creepy? I like it." Jesse kept looking up making horrified eye contact with me as I sat on the couch hiding my laughter behind my book. Its really not that weird developmentally, plus the whole global pandemic...
On that note, we dropped under 100 deaths in the last 24 hours.
I'm having so much trouble with even online interactions. Forgetting to reply, remembering, panicking, then forgetting again.
22.5.20
Day 72----
Our neighbors floated balloons up for bambi from the sidewalk to our fire escape!
It started out sunny and even warm today then clouded over and now its a steady rain--the bedroom window is open and night breezes are drifting across our bed. The street is finally quiet again, aside from the occasional rattle of a bike gear. It was way too crowded out there earlier today. We are getting lax with the sun and that's scary.
Our neighbors floated balloons up for bambi from the sidewalk to our fire escape!
It started out sunny and even warm today then clouded over and now its a steady rain--the bedroom window is open and night breezes are drifting across our bed. The street is finally quiet again, aside from the occasional rattle of a bike gear. It was way too crowded out there earlier today. We are getting lax with the sun and that's scary.
21.5.20
Day 71----
I'm realizing, as I watch our street from the fire escape, that a lot of people I assumed were tourists in the past are actually New Yorkers. That this is a real city and not everyone is a trust fund kid dressed to the nines in Mara Hoffman or Acne Studios. Some of us are just middling age and just wear what we can afford and don't get designer haircuts. It's something I like about Chinatown, there's a healthy balance of ordinary people here--surrounded by fashion neighborhoods on all sides, people are not swayed. I know a lot of that is a stark wealth disparity. So it would be wrong to romanticize it. But it is nice not to feel glanced over and found lacking like I do in Soho. It's nice to be completely ignored.
But the main point is, there are no tourists here right now. Lots of hotels are shuttered completely or serving as isolation centers for homeless shelters. But there are still the types of people I assumed were tourists, not many, but some, who look like midwestern suburban housewives.
Look up: jump rope lengths for three year olds.
I'm realizing, as I watch our street from the fire escape, that a lot of people I assumed were tourists in the past are actually New Yorkers. That this is a real city and not everyone is a trust fund kid dressed to the nines in Mara Hoffman or Acne Studios. Some of us are just middling age and just wear what we can afford and don't get designer haircuts. It's something I like about Chinatown, there's a healthy balance of ordinary people here--surrounded by fashion neighborhoods on all sides, people are not swayed. I know a lot of that is a stark wealth disparity. So it would be wrong to romanticize it. But it is nice not to feel glanced over and found lacking like I do in Soho. It's nice to be completely ignored.
But the main point is, there are no tourists here right now. Lots of hotels are shuttered completely or serving as isolation centers for homeless shelters. But there are still the types of people I assumed were tourists, not many, but some, who look like midwestern suburban housewives.
Look up: jump rope lengths for three year olds.
20.5.20
19.5.20
Day 69----
I clicked backwards on my camera and found photos from last August by accident today. It keeps blowing my mind how recent that was. My hair was still bobbed, jesse's still long, bambi's never cut. She was nursing on demand anywhere and everywhere still. Sitting on the ground next to the swings, sunk to the sidewalk next to the bookcart, on subway benches...
I clicked backwards on my camera and found photos from last August by accident today. It keeps blowing my mind how recent that was. My hair was still bobbed, jesse's still long, bambi's never cut. She was nursing on demand anywhere and everywhere still. Sitting on the ground next to the swings, sunk to the sidewalk next to the bookcart, on subway benches...
18.5.20
Day 68----
Is it necessary for a rebellious mother--you know, one who insists on being a real human--to have a placid, submissive child? I often find myself very inconsistently hoping and asking for compliance and naps and quiet independent play from my bambi so I can write, read, booksell, breath. This doesn't have to be this way??? Does it? I guess independent play leads to human-y adults... I was annoyingly submissive as a child but now I'm not. At all. So maybe it's ok? I know I was like that because of cultural conditioning and sexism though and I'm afraid it's seeping through to her despite all our best efforts and crossed out sexism in all her books.
Is it necessary for a rebellious mother--you know, one who insists on being a real human--to have a placid, submissive child? I often find myself very inconsistently hoping and asking for compliance and naps and quiet independent play from my bambi so I can write, read, booksell, breath. This doesn't have to be this way??? Does it? I guess independent play leads to human-y adults... I was annoyingly submissive as a child but now I'm not. At all. So maybe it's ok? I know I was like that because of cultural conditioning and sexism though and I'm afraid it's seeping through to her despite all our best efforts and crossed out sexism in all her books.
17.5.20
16.5.20
Day 66----
In addition to being a log of naptimes, this is becoming an evidence collection point for some future study on "children of the pandemic and a lifetime of phobia".
Riveting. And not at all heartbreaking.
Coming home from a walk she begged to be allowed to walk up the stairs by herself--something we haven't let her do since this all started because this is a six floor walk-up and there's no way to completely clean that stairwell. But she promised to hold my hand, not the railing and be "very very careful" so I let her. On the last flight she lost her balance slightly and steadied herself with her hand on a step (not the railing). She was stricken. She had me carry her the rest of the way and no amounts of assurances that the germs could be washed away with soap in two minutes once we got inside and that she'd be totally fine as long as she didn't touch her [mask covered] face, could comfort her.
In addition to being a log of naptimes, this is becoming an evidence collection point for some future study on "children of the pandemic and a lifetime of phobia".
Riveting. And not at all heartbreaking.
Coming home from a walk she begged to be allowed to walk up the stairs by herself--something we haven't let her do since this all started because this is a six floor walk-up and there's no way to completely clean that stairwell. But she promised to hold my hand, not the railing and be "very very careful" so I let her. On the last flight she lost her balance slightly and steadied herself with her hand on a step (not the railing). She was stricken. She had me carry her the rest of the way and no amounts of assurances that the germs could be washed away with soap in two minutes once we got inside and that she'd be totally fine as long as she didn't touch her [mask covered] face, could comfort her.
15.5.20
14.5.20
Day 64----
We witnessed a sliver of the tragedy of someone's life outside our window today. Maybe I'll write more about it later. But it's hard to relive just the witnessing of it. It's also very very important to see the way this virus decimates lives. Especially right now when it's become politicized and republicans seem to think it's a hoax invented by democrats in New York City.
It also is our ninth anniversary today. We walked to the wine shop a block or so away and got some bubbly that we didn't end up drinking. So tired. We had pizza together then bambi asked us to put a record on and dance. And she insisted we dance together and not with her. It was very sweet. Then we fell asleep early while we chatted in the dark.
We witnessed a sliver of the tragedy of someone's life outside our window today. Maybe I'll write more about it later. But it's hard to relive just the witnessing of it. It's also very very important to see the way this virus decimates lives. Especially right now when it's become politicized and republicans seem to think it's a hoax invented by democrats in New York City.
It also is our ninth anniversary today. We walked to the wine shop a block or so away and got some bubbly that we didn't end up drinking. So tired. We had pizza together then bambi asked us to put a record on and dance. And she insisted we dance together and not with her. It was very sweet. Then we fell asleep early while we chatted in the dark.
13.5.20
12.5.20
Day 62----
A very hard day that started with bambi tugging on my holey old night tee as I put the kettle on the stove and saying, "I have a vewy good Idea, mama!!"
"what is it?"
"we make our tea and coffee and take it to the roof for BREAKFAST!"
"oh! that is a good idea! why don't you go ask dad what he thinks!"
She runs to the bedroom and I hear her say, "Dada!!! We can put the tea and coffee in jars and bring it to the roof!" She actually worked out all the details and got the string bag and carried the blanket up in it.
But then there was no nap and it was so so hard and jesse sent me out with a plastic bag ("put it on a bench and sit somewhere") for gin and tonic ingredients. I sat on a rock by the river for a bit but it felt so dangerous. And I didn't want to take my book out cause I didn't know how to sanitize it properly when I got home. So I stole a bluebell from the garden bed behind the rock and walked home.
A very hard day that started with bambi tugging on my holey old night tee as I put the kettle on the stove and saying, "I have a vewy good Idea, mama!!"
"what is it?"
"we make our tea and coffee and take it to the roof for BREAKFAST!"
"oh! that is a good idea! why don't you go ask dad what he thinks!"
She runs to the bedroom and I hear her say, "Dada!!! We can put the tea and coffee in jars and bring it to the roof!" She actually worked out all the details and got the string bag and carried the blanket up in it.
But then there was no nap and it was so so hard and jesse sent me out with a plastic bag ("put it on a bench and sit somewhere") for gin and tonic ingredients. I sat on a rock by the river for a bit but it felt so dangerous. And I didn't want to take my book out cause I didn't know how to sanitize it properly when I got home. So I stole a bluebell from the garden bed behind the rock and walked home.
11.5.20
Day 61----
I love sitting on the toilet reading while my shower warms--whether I actually have to use it or not. I read until the pages curl with steam then I slide the book under the door to safety.
It's a side effect of coming from a large, puritanical family (who also have genetic digestive issues). If I say I'm using the toilet I can read for indefinite amounts of time, fairly guilt free.
making sure she doesn't drown in the bath.
I love sitting on the toilet reading while my shower warms--whether I actually have to use it or not. I read until the pages curl with steam then I slide the book under the door to safety.
It's a side effect of coming from a large, puritanical family (who also have genetic digestive issues). If I say I'm using the toilet I can read for indefinite amounts of time, fairly guilt free.
making sure she doesn't drown in the bath.
10.5.20
Day 60----
Jesse walked to the shop and got us popsicles and we ate them on the roof. The surface of the roof was very warm--hard to believe it had just snowed. Across the way on another rooftop we saw a few kids playing. bambi stood up and called "hi kids!" A little boy stopped what her was doing and waved. She waved back. Then they stood there staring at each other, her popsicle dripping blood like splotches on the silver roof. She looked over at me and whispered, "now what do I say???" --which, just, same, bambi, same. These poor, lonely, New York kids.
mother's day drawings: "a gust of wind" and "a dinosaur with very sharp teeth".
A failed nap
Jesse walked to the shop and got us popsicles and we ate them on the roof. The surface of the roof was very warm--hard to believe it had just snowed. Across the way on another rooftop we saw a few kids playing. bambi stood up and called "hi kids!" A little boy stopped what her was doing and waved. She waved back. Then they stood there staring at each other, her popsicle dripping blood like splotches on the silver roof. She looked over at me and whispered, "now what do I say???" --which, just, same, bambi, same. These poor, lonely, New York kids.
mother's day drawings: "a gust of wind" and "a dinosaur with very sharp teeth".
A failed nap
9.5.20
Day 59----
Today it snowed twice. It's been the coldest May on record since the 70s. When bambi saw the snow she said, " How is this HAPPENING? This snow is so COMPLICATED!!" Yet another installment of our unsprung spring.
I feel very safe in our apartment today. Everything we need for survival crammed in this tiny space perched above the tragic streets. I'm laying in bed reading a fat paperback, my belly full of bread pudding, radiators rattling industriously.
But also there's a beep in the airshaft that's been going on all day and was too loud in her room for bambi to sleep. I laid down on the old flattened sheepskin next to her much too small crib to try and coax her then fell asleep myself while she stared at me. I could hear the beeps all through the miserable sleep--definitely despair sleep. My neck hurt so much and I couldn't feel one arm when I woke up.... one cheek deeply imprinted with sheep fur.
note: around 10pm the fire department arrived en-mass all up and down the block, entered the building next door and a few minutes later re-emerged and the beeping had stopped.
Today it snowed twice. It's been the coldest May on record since the 70s. When bambi saw the snow she said, " How is this HAPPENING? This snow is so COMPLICATED!!" Yet another installment of our unsprung spring.
I feel very safe in our apartment today. Everything we need for survival crammed in this tiny space perched above the tragic streets. I'm laying in bed reading a fat paperback, my belly full of bread pudding, radiators rattling industriously.
But also there's a beep in the airshaft that's been going on all day and was too loud in her room for bambi to sleep. I laid down on the old flattened sheepskin next to her much too small crib to try and coax her then fell asleep myself while she stared at me. I could hear the beeps all through the miserable sleep--definitely despair sleep. My neck hurt so much and I couldn't feel one arm when I woke up.... one cheek deeply imprinted with sheep fur.
note: around 10pm the fire department arrived en-mass all up and down the block, entered the building next door and a few minutes later re-emerged and the beeping had stopped.
8.5.20
Day 58----
An old friend asked me to write a piece on quarantine reading habits for her website. I've been working on it since last week but haven't had the best times to write. So I've been writing paragraphs at random while bambi is facetiming with my parents, in the moments before I start her a movie on this computer, when I step out of the shower-- sometimes just lists of ideas I want to add. So today during a--now rare--nap I actually got a chance to unravel, make coherency of the lists, re-order, rewrite, add all the references and quotes I'd been paraphrasing before. When I was banished from the bedroom for one of jesse's work meetings, I gathered up a several foot high pile of books. "Are you really going to need all of those??? This meeting is only thirty minutes!" I did.
Bambi stirs then resettles. Jesse ends his work call and tip toes past me to make the coffee. I feel justified by my obvious use of all books. I write a few minutes longer, finally happy with the bit about my inland sea I thought I would have to cut. Suddenly bambi calls, "Dada! dada? DADA!" then in alarm, "oh NO!" we both converge on her door to see her standing in her crib, curls all on end, "I slept without my night light!" --in the broad daylight. Though to be fair, we usually leave it on.
"Did I wake you with my noise in the kitchen?" jesse asks.
"No," she replies, "I ended my sleep myself." then after a pause, "Did I sleep?!!!"
As a reward for a nap well napped she gets to watch a little tv and a movie. I walk to the kitchen, pull the big green pot forward on the stove, splash the bottom with oil and let the popcorn kernels dance till they are too crowded to bounce. We share a bowl of it on the couch, dipping each kernel into our glasses of orange juice.
The popcorn gives this tiny little hiss when you dip it in the juice and its so satisfying.
An old friend asked me to write a piece on quarantine reading habits for her website. I've been working on it since last week but haven't had the best times to write. So I've been writing paragraphs at random while bambi is facetiming with my parents, in the moments before I start her a movie on this computer, when I step out of the shower-- sometimes just lists of ideas I want to add. So today during a--now rare--nap I actually got a chance to unravel, make coherency of the lists, re-order, rewrite, add all the references and quotes I'd been paraphrasing before. When I was banished from the bedroom for one of jesse's work meetings, I gathered up a several foot high pile of books. "Are you really going to need all of those??? This meeting is only thirty minutes!" I did.
Bambi stirs then resettles. Jesse ends his work call and tip toes past me to make the coffee. I feel justified by my obvious use of all books. I write a few minutes longer, finally happy with the bit about my inland sea I thought I would have to cut. Suddenly bambi calls, "Dada! dada? DADA!" then in alarm, "oh NO!" we both converge on her door to see her standing in her crib, curls all on end, "I slept without my night light!" --in the broad daylight. Though to be fair, we usually leave it on.
"Did I wake you with my noise in the kitchen?" jesse asks.
"No," she replies, "I ended my sleep myself." then after a pause, "Did I sleep?!!!"
As a reward for a nap well napped she gets to watch a little tv and a movie. I walk to the kitchen, pull the big green pot forward on the stove, splash the bottom with oil and let the popcorn kernels dance till they are too crowded to bounce. We share a bowl of it on the couch, dipping each kernel into our glasses of orange juice.
The popcorn gives this tiny little hiss when you dip it in the juice and its so satisfying.
7.5.20
Day 57----
Yesterday I spent way too much time reading anti-vaxxers' comments saying they think all states should re-open AND that there's no way they are taking a vaccine whenever one is developed for covid-19. Doubly angry because I know these are the views of our own family members. Finally I tossed my phone aside--then picked it back up--and called bambi's pediatrician and scheduled her three year shots. And they had an opening today. So that's what we did today.
She was so brave--she wore her favorite orange dress, insisted on sitting next to me on the bench, instead of on me. And just clasped her hands tight tight tight and stared straight ahead till the nurse came in.
Masks are mandatory now so she was just sitting there in her flowered scarf turned mask (I tie it above her little ponytail so it doesn't slide down). But when the doctor needed to check her ears and throat and asked her to pull it down for a minute she lost all composure. She clutched it to her mouth and shouted, "I need my mask!!!"
We walked past a lot of our old places and may have seen acquaintances-- shop clerks on nodding terms-- but its so hard to tell behind masks. We all just smiled and nodded. The [lolli]popp-y quickly banishing all emotional need for her mask and I let it slide and steered the stroller well over six feet from everyone to be safe.
Yesterday I spent way too much time reading anti-vaxxers' comments saying they think all states should re-open AND that there's no way they are taking a vaccine whenever one is developed for covid-19. Doubly angry because I know these are the views of our own family members. Finally I tossed my phone aside--then picked it back up--and called bambi's pediatrician and scheduled her three year shots. And they had an opening today. So that's what we did today.
She was so brave--she wore her favorite orange dress, insisted on sitting next to me on the bench, instead of on me. And just clasped her hands tight tight tight and stared straight ahead till the nurse came in.
Masks are mandatory now so she was just sitting there in her flowered scarf turned mask (I tie it above her little ponytail so it doesn't slide down). But when the doctor needed to check her ears and throat and asked her to pull it down for a minute she lost all composure. She clutched it to her mouth and shouted, "I need my mask!!!"
We walked past a lot of our old places and may have seen acquaintances-- shop clerks on nodding terms-- but its so hard to tell behind masks. We all just smiled and nodded. The [lolli]popp-y quickly banishing all emotional need for her mask and I let it slide and steered the stroller well over six feet from everyone to be safe.
6.5.20
Day 56----
I'm at the kitchen table listening to the creak of the kettle, the rain in the airshaft, the murmur of jesse's work call, the neighbor's music--and yet it feels very still. All muffled through my hair, and through my fuzzy brain. I wish I had a really engrossing read. I've felt very secure in my book stock till now and there are still a lot I haven't read but I can see the end and that's unsettling for a mood based reader.
A video was released of a lynching, two months ago. More and more statistics of who exactly are dying from covid-19 come out everyday. This is why I have to swallow my conflict aversion when people around me are racist. As a Christian, who is has a phobia of conflict, I truly think it is more important to speak up against racism inside the church (and outside but, let's be honest, it's mostly inside) than it is to witness to those outside the church. For many reasons, but how are we to ever have any platform to say anything when this festering center is allowed to remain???
I'm at the kitchen table listening to the creak of the kettle, the rain in the airshaft, the murmur of jesse's work call, the neighbor's music--and yet it feels very still. All muffled through my hair, and through my fuzzy brain. I wish I had a really engrossing read. I've felt very secure in my book stock till now and there are still a lot I haven't read but I can see the end and that's unsettling for a mood based reader.
A video was released of a lynching, two months ago. More and more statistics of who exactly are dying from covid-19 come out everyday. This is why I have to swallow my conflict aversion when people around me are racist. As a Christian, who is has a phobia of conflict, I truly think it is more important to speak up against racism inside the church (and outside but, let's be honest, it's mostly inside) than it is to witness to those outside the church. For many reasons, but how are we to ever have any platform to say anything when this festering center is allowed to remain???
5.5.20
Day 55----
An absolutely furious me. Furious about everything and everyone. It wasn't fair. But it also just was. I made jesse coffee, poured myself a cup and didn't bring him one. On purpose. Which kind of backfired because it was so ridiculous that I started laughing at myself. Which is so annoying when you're FURIOUS.
An absolutely furious me. Furious about everything and everyone. It wasn't fair. But it also just was. I made jesse coffee, poured myself a cup and didn't bring him one. On purpose. Which kind of backfired because it was so ridiculous that I started laughing at myself. Which is so annoying when you're FURIOUS.
4.5.20
Day 54----
Between books so I took a big stack out on the fire escape with tea and cake while she napped. I didn't settle on anything. It was very windy and the pair of jeans out there drying with me whipped around me.
Later bambi and I walked around the block to the river and back. She saw a single scraggly tree on Market Street-- with leaves on it! "TREE!!!!" she gasped. It was so sad and I was just as astonished and excited.
Between books so I took a big stack out on the fire escape with tea and cake while she napped. I didn't settle on anything. It was very windy and the pair of jeans out there drying with me whipped around me.
Later bambi and I walked around the block to the river and back. She saw a single scraggly tree on Market Street-- with leaves on it! "TREE!!!!" she gasped. It was so sad and I was just as astonished and excited.
3.5.20
Day 53----
The chef from the diner down the street was walking up and down the block asking people for a hanger--I was hanging socks on the fire escape to dry and overheard him ask the lady across the street. She didn't have one and he continued on down the block. She glanced up at me and we made eye contact--that New York kind of thing when something random happens. You find one person to share it with then move on. But I called down, "did he say hanger? I think I have one!" She called him back-- he stopped mid mime as he tried to communicate his need to an old man and ran back toward us. I said I'd be right back, ducked inside and found one with a jumpsuit I never wear on it-- it fell to the floor of the closet and I'll probably never find it again-- back out on the fire escape, "You want a wire one, right?" he did. "Do you mind if I throw it down? I don't want to hit you!" he did not. It landed in the carless street and he said, "Thank you! How are you guys??" so now he knows where we live and I'm very ok with that. I'm happy he still remembers us.
Jesse made an elaborate dinner and a cake-- when either of us make elaborate foods it usually means we are at our limit. It buys us alone time... the more elaborate it is, the more time we get. It was very very good.
I couldn't eat much of it though cause of a canker sore. My neck can almost bend normally now though! Jesse rubbed it for ages this morning while we both read and bambi ate nuts and chocolate out of a cup on our bed.
The chef from the diner down the street was walking up and down the block asking people for a hanger--I was hanging socks on the fire escape to dry and overheard him ask the lady across the street. She didn't have one and he continued on down the block. She glanced up at me and we made eye contact--that New York kind of thing when something random happens. You find one person to share it with then move on. But I called down, "did he say hanger? I think I have one!" She called him back-- he stopped mid mime as he tried to communicate his need to an old man and ran back toward us. I said I'd be right back, ducked inside and found one with a jumpsuit I never wear on it-- it fell to the floor of the closet and I'll probably never find it again-- back out on the fire escape, "You want a wire one, right?" he did. "Do you mind if I throw it down? I don't want to hit you!" he did not. It landed in the carless street and he said, "Thank you! How are you guys??" so now he knows where we live and I'm very ok with that. I'm happy he still remembers us.
Jesse made an elaborate dinner and a cake-- when either of us make elaborate foods it usually means we are at our limit. It buys us alone time... the more elaborate it is, the more time we get. It was very very good.
I couldn't eat much of it though cause of a canker sore. My neck can almost bend normally now though! Jesse rubbed it for ages this morning while we both read and bambi ate nuts and chocolate out of a cup on our bed.
2.5.20
Day 52----
The sun came out finally and we snuck back up to the roof. I'm starting to worry about bambi's vitamin D levels. Jesse and I can go out on the fire escape (if its dry, if she naps), but she can't. We do get a lot of south facing sunlight but still. She hasn't been outside in a month, I think.
Jesse packed a picnic, we brought our books and hers and told her we couldn't leave the blanket once we got up there. We sat on the back roof where there's a tree. It didn't have many leaves yet.
She drank decaf iced coffee and hasn't napped since.
The sun came out finally and we snuck back up to the roof. I'm starting to worry about bambi's vitamin D levels. Jesse and I can go out on the fire escape (if its dry, if she naps), but she can't. We do get a lot of south facing sunlight but still. She hasn't been outside in a month, I think.
Jesse packed a picnic, we brought our books and hers and told her we couldn't leave the blanket once we got up there. We sat on the back roof where there's a tree. It didn't have many leaves yet.
She drank decaf iced coffee and hasn't napped since.
1.5.20
Day 51----
There's been a distinct shift since hitting the fifty day mark--just too much. We had a relatively pleasant rhythm for a few weeks and now we are all mad. And weepy (me). And can't bend our necks (me).
"They managed to be so busy doing the little they had to do.... even when they took a rest in the afternoon they made it sound like an assignment to be filled in a busy day."
A Start In Life p. 48 by Anita Brookner
I find myself angrily or vindicatedly scribbling "spring 2020, NYC, covid-19 pandemic" in glaringly incongruous passages or eerily applicable ones. Both will do.
I guess I've had trouble taking photos in this mood.
There's been a distinct shift since hitting the fifty day mark--just too much. We had a relatively pleasant rhythm for a few weeks and now we are all mad. And weepy (me). And can't bend our necks (me).
"They managed to be so busy doing the little they had to do.... even when they took a rest in the afternoon they made it sound like an assignment to be filled in a busy day."
A Start In Life p. 48 by Anita Brookner
I find myself angrily or vindicatedly scribbling "spring 2020, NYC, covid-19 pandemic" in glaringly incongruous passages or eerily applicable ones. Both will do.
I guess I've had trouble taking photos in this mood.
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