Today has not been terrible. I think that sun has really helped. I love winter. But I always struggle with depression in the midst of it. And my gut health gets really awful usually. This winter I didn't have many gut health problems but I think that was because I was pregnant. Obviously I was quite unwell because of that anyways and also for a good month after my eye surgery. The depression though, that was even worse this year. For obvious reasons. And is still just awful. I cry every day. I spiral into debilitating anxiety every day. Sometimes multiple times a day. It's been three months or so but it doesn't seem to let up. Anyways, I sunbathed on the fire escape this morning for the first time since we moved here and it was wonderful. But I also may be feeling a tad better because we could maybe be pregnant. I'm trying not to let myself think that but it also makes me feel so much better to think it. But also terrified and shitty.
I was listening to a podcast today (That's my phone slung in a little bag on my belt loop because...no pockets! and I had bunches of laundry and vacuuming I had to do today. The people in the laundry mat thought I was a bit touched. Which I am...) and a pelvic physical therapist said that by 8 weeks a woman's body is 50-70% physiologically ready to have a baby. That's crazy! My baby died at 8 weeks but I didn't find out till 12 weeks and my body kept growing and preparing to support her. In fact, that's why I had to have an emergency surgery because my uterus was so large compared to her size there was a huge risk of hemorrhaging... and that did happen, in fact, a week or so after the surgery. But the doctor lady's point was that it takes an incredibly long amount of time for a woman's body to recover from being so prepared for giving birth... physically let alone mentally.